The Science of Friendship
Go
through the following list of steps—just like you would court a new date, you
are going to court your new friends.
Choose
Your Own Friendship Adventure:
• If you want to make a totally new
group of friends start with Step #1
• If you have someone in your life who
you think would make a good friend, but aren’t sure, skip to Step #2
• If you have someone in your life who
you would like to get closer to, but aren’t sure how, skip to Step #3
• If you want to ‘make it official’
with a friend you have, skip to Step #4
Step #1: Courtship
Let’s
say you’re newly single and ready to mingle. What’s the first thing you do?
Most people think about the kind of person they want to meet. If you’re a
woman, you probably made a list. Something like this perhaps?
• Witty
• Outdoorsy
• Smart
• Stable Job
• Family-oriented
Then
you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person.
You either join the most relevant online dating website or join a local group
or class to find this ‘type’ of person. A list like this also makes you more
attuned to spot this person when you see them.
If you
know who you’re looking for, it becomes easier to find them.
Go
through the following prompts:
What kind of person do you
love hanging out with?
What made a childhood
friendship so special?
What kind of person fits
well with your personality?
What activities would you
love to have a partner for?
Look at
the list above and see if anyone you already know pops into your head. It could
even be a distant relative or a friend of a friend or a spouse of a colleague.
If no one pops into your head, that’s ok, you are starting from scratch. Make a
list of places, groups, clubs, classes and social networks where you might meet
the kind of person above.
Step #2: Flirting
This is
the most important step for making adult friendships. Flirting. There are two
mistakes that adults make that get them all mucked up when it comes to making
friends:
• They go too fast. Just like in a
romantic relationship, if you go too fast in a friendship you might end up
being friends with the wrong kind of person. All of a sudden you find out
something you don’t like, they become clingy, you pull away, awkwardness all
around.
• They never ask. This is just like
having a crush on someone, but never asking them out. Many adults think or hope
someone might be a good friend, but they never pursue it because they are
afraid of rejection, aren’t sure how or have convinced themselves they don’t
have enough time.
Flirting
helps with both. Flirting is how you test the waters, how you get to know
someone to see if there’s chemistry and how you stave off rejection. Whether
you already have someone in mind or you are going to go to a few events and
meeting new people, here are three ways you can friendship flirt:
1. Fun Tease: Friends are for fun for play
and for relaxation. One of the easiest ways you can see friendship
compatibility is to see if you are into the same things. Just like on a date,
you want to float things you enjoy and see if they do too. You can mention a
concert you went to last month. Ask what they are up to this weekend. Talk
about your favorite sports team. Bring up a new sport / class / book you have
been wanting to dive into and see what they say.
2. Value Tease: Besides being a companion
for activities, the best of friends also need to provide emotional support.
This is often where friends and best friends divide. As you get to know
someone, you want to know if they have the same values as you. For example, I
had a great friend who thought it was extravagant to spend money on travel. She
loved being home and didn’t see the point of going elsewhere. We got along in
almost every other dimension, but I LOVE to travel. I do it all the time for
work and pleasure. Every time I had a trip coming up (always) we would get into
the same argument about it. In the end, it drove us both nuts about the other.
This sounds small and silly, but it matters in terms of you have to respect
your friends and their opinions and their decisions even if they aren’t the
same as your own. You don’t have to have the same values, but you have to be
able to understand your friend’s point of view and respect them for it.
3. Feeling: Most importantly, as you are
interacting with a potential friend, tap into how they make you feel. Do you
laugh with them? Do they make you feel excited? Intrigued? Engaged? You want
people who make you feel good. And of course, it has to go both ways. That’s
called wooing…
Step #3: Wooing
By this
point, you have someone (or a few people) in your life who you think might make
a great friend. You want to pursue them, go on some dates, and spend more time
together. How? Here we borrow a saying from weddings. In the States, most
brides who are getting married wear 4 unique items on their wedding day for
luck (or just for fun). Something old, like a vintage ring, something new, like
a new wedding dress, something borrowed like a mother’s veil and something blue,
like a blue garter. I find this is an easy way to think about different types
of wooing. Here are four different ways to easily ‘ask someone out’:
Something
Old: Do you have an old favorite? Favorite movie? Favorite restaurant? Favorite
dancing spot? This is a great way to have an excuse to hang out. For example,
just recently I was talking about my favorite (and the only, in my opinion)
genuine Mexican restaurant in Portland to a new potential friend. “Oh wow! I
love Mexican food,” she said. Bingo: fun tease. It was then easy to say, “Cool,
I was planning to go on Friday, you free?”
Something
New: I made friends with my friend Stephanie because we both had been dying to
try something new: dance classes. We were both bemoaning how awful the gym was
when she said she heard about a cool Bollywood Dance class. It was then easy
for me to ask if she wanted a partner in crime to try it out. We have also
tried a cardio drumming class and a cook-around-the-world night. She is
amazing. Want to try something new? Bring it up and see if they are interested
in joining. This is both a fun tease and a woo.
Something
Borrowed: Friends lend us ideas, books, clothes, suitcases and time. This is
another great way to feel out a new friendship. Have a book you love? Offer to
loan it to them. My friend Samantha was wearing the most beautiful shawl—it
looked so warm and fuzzy! I brought it up to her, and she so kindly said, “you
must borrow it—I have two!” You can also borrow ideas. If you know something
that might help someone else, offer to teach them. Are you a whiz with resumes?
Offer to edit it for your new friend. Are you a great cook? Have a cooking day
with a new friend if they are trying to learn their way around a kitchen. I
started a Spanish vegetarian cooking club exactly this way. 7 of us got
together because we were all trying to practice our high school Spanish and
learn to cook more vegetarian. It’s easy to make friends over a steaming tray
of homemade tamales.
Something
Blue: I don’t mean actual blue, I mean sad blue. We all go through hard times.
It might be you, it might be your new friend. You want foul weather and fair
weather friends—those who are with you through the good times and the bad. In
the beginning of the wooing process, it’s important to be honest. If you’re
going through something, bring it up and see how they can help. This is a great
way to know the depth of your potential friendship. I will never forget a time
with my friend Lacy in the beginning of our friendship. Speaking of weddings, I
was having a momentary freak out about my wedding dress. I was sure I had
picked the wrong one (I hear this is normal). Anyway, I called her in the
middle of the day and asked her if she would be willing to come with me to try
it on one last time. She took the workday afternoon off, schlepped across town
with me and sat with me so incredibly supportive as I made her examine it from
every which angle. Yes, it was the right one. Yes, I couldn’t have done it
without her. Yes, she is my best friend today.
Try one
or all of these with a potential friend to get a ‘date’ on the calendar to see
if they might be a good fit.
Step
#4: Dating
Now
comes the serious part. You have someone you like and have been slowly courting
them. You’ve been doing a few things here and there and you feel they have
bestie potential (sorry couldn’t help myself). Now what? It’s time to see if
the relationship has staying power. Most importantly, you want to know if you
are good for each other.
Over
the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these
essential three questions:
• Could you be locked in an elevator
with this person?
• Are they genuinely happy for you when
something good happens to you?
• Do you truly want the best for them
even if it isn’t convenient for you?
Toxic
relationships happen when we secretly have ill-wishes for someone or they have
them for us. This happens a lot with ‘frenemies’ or friends who don’t actually
support you wholeheartedly. They get jealous, they get judgy, they get
controlling.
How to
Spot a Toxic Person:
It’s
extremely important to be on the lookout for these kinds of toxic indicators
early on. Just like in a relationship, ‘red flags’ rarely tend to go away.
However, unlike a relationship, you don’t have to marry this person. So:
You can
be different, but you have to love each other for your differences.
Step
#5: Love
Congratulations!
You’re in love <3. This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy part of
friendships (yes, that’s a good thing). I think this is the part of the friendship
where investment really pays off. What do I mean by investment? Emotional
investment, time investment, energy investment. Even the best romantic
relationships require tune-ups and energy. And this isn’t bad or hard. I think
it is beautiful—yes I am getting mushy-gushy. Here’s how you keep your
friendships running on high:
• Tabs: When your friend cares about
something, you care about it by proxy. Know what’s going on in your friend’s
life. Do they have a big work project? A sick parent? A busy week? Check-in.
One of the best feelings in the world is having a friend check-in on something
that is important to you and not them—because you know they are doing it purely
to be supportive. My friend Ana-Lauren always texts me about when I get home
from travels, my friend Stephen always texts me after speaking events (how does
he always remember?!) and my friend Lacy has a sixth sense for when I’m
stressed—she has hidden cameras in my mind, I swear. I try to do the same for
the things that matter in their life. And it is my pleasure, because their
success is my success too.
• Wishes: What does your friend wish
for? What are their goals and dreams? I love to ask my friends about their New
Year Resolutions and birthday wishes (of course I want to help), but I also
want to be emotionally supportive and provide accountability. It also feels so
good to know someone is on your team. Friends are your teammates and your
supporters for life.
• Growth: Sometimes friends have to
deliver hard news, call you on your bullshit and challenge you to be better. I
love and hate it when my friends do this. My friend Margo is amazing at calling
me out on stuff I need to change. She does this with so much love, advice and
support that sometimes I mistake her rebukes for praise (or maybe I just wish
it so). True friends are willing to say the hard thing if they know it is
right. You can debate and argue healthily with good friends and that makes us
better people together.
Friendships
are our greatest asset. Not all of us are lucky enough to have best friends
from childhood, and that’s ok. We can make amazing friendships as adults—it
just takes a little bit of courage and a little bit of romance.
Comments
Post a Comment